Remember in high school chemistry how you use to dare each other to find out what it's like to use that weird yellow thing in the corner? The one that looked like this?: Well, today was my lucky day. And by lucky I of course mean that someone ran into me at work whilst I carried a large tray of chili paste, and said paste of chili did greet my left eyeball with a vengeance. Another day, another harder than I'd originally anticipated-earned dollar.
On a brighter note, this experience was far less painful than the one where I ate a chili pod during training while answering the question "What should you always tell guests about Kung Pao Chicken?" with "Never eat the chili pods, unless you wish to find out what it is like to rue the day you were born." I now know what it is like to be on fire. Almost literally.
1. The Carpool Lane: I have decided it is my new calling in life to teach Utahns the definition of a carpool lane and how to use one. I'll break it down for you... Double white line equals A WALL. You cannot drive through A WALL people.
2. Newscasters: Do they really need to come up with such clever links between two stories which are so blatantly obvious in their unrelatedness? "Dog owners around the country say they will make their voices heard by filing petitions." "Thanks Joanne. And speaking of filing things, a local nail salon was robbed today in West Valley." Can't they just say, "In other news, which has nothing to do with my previous sentence..."
3. School: If you decide one day to open up a college and you invite people to come and gain knowledge, let me go ahead and give you a heads up. If you try to shove 60 full grown humans into a dance studio and teach them some moves, or teach fine arts in an auditorium, your students will most likely throw their hands up and leave your school. Also, if you hire teachers which use words such as &,#, and $% when addressing one your students in front of a class and then send said student home early from class, that student may or may not use choice language back at previously mentioned teacher and again....quit school.
4. My Roommates: When one considers the prospect of living with two 18 year old freshmen in a 3/4 size studio apartment with 1 less bed than would normally be considered appropriate, one's spirits might seem a bit dampened. Not so for me I must say. I thought I hit the jackpot with roommate number one, but then roommate number two moved in and I think we might have to end up getting a triangle marriage or something equally vulgar and disturbing. I am in LOVE. Perhaps an excerpt from this week will help you love them too: I am walking through the toilet area (having no doors or shower curtain... I can't in good faith or technically call it a "bathroom") to go get in the rinse off station (seeing as how the water pressure is equivalent to a backyard drinking fountain's I can't in good faith or technically call it a "shower") and as I pass Courtney, she pulls down my pants. She laughs her face red and through fits of giggles spits out, "Oh my gosh... how embarrassing! I hate getting pantsed! Ha-ha!" I calmly pull up my knickers, turn to face her and say, "I believe you have forgotten that you are the one naked on the toilet right now." Yes, the number of inhibitions in our household has reached the negative digits.
5. Life: Yeah, I think I'm gonna go ahead and skip over this part.
6. The Up and Coming Presidential Election: I'm writing in Gob Bluth.
7. 3D Sidewalk Chalk. A-MaaaaaaZING!! 8. P.F. Changs: It's my new job. It is in the contract I signed that I am allowed to blog about the restaurant, on the sole premise that I first inform my readers that what they are about to hear is strictly personal opinion and does not reflect the views of the China Bistro in question. So, I would like to inform you, dear readers, that what I am about to write is strictly my own personal opinion and does not reflect the views of P.F. Changs. Well, actually I already said what I wanted to say, which was to simply to inform you that it was in deed in my contract that I couldn't blog about work, unless it came with a disclaimer. Oh! Wait, I do have one more thing to say here. Yesterday at work my trainer was giving me a test at the end of my shift. Question 6 was "Why is it important to know if customers are deathly allergic to certain ingredients?" My answer: "To protect the customer from illness and death and to insure they have a pleasurable experience. Also to protect the restaurant from legal issues." Trainer: "Close. But the main reason is that a P.F. Changs customer that is dead, is no longer a P.F. Changs customer. And we can't lose customers." I laughed. No one else did. It was not a joke.
9. And speaking of jokes, I am not going to finish this post now. Ba ha ha! Just kidding! Jokes on you!
A young, teenybopping pre-teen has decided to engage in a battle of sorts with your faithful author, me. Well...semi-faithful as of late. Anyway, I would simply like to preface the devastating announcement below with a disclaimer informing you that what is about to be revealed is purely a response to already fired shots. I act in pure self--defense.
Anyone remember Muirhead Survivor? Well take a good look into this eye: That's right, take a deep gander into that deceitful little eye because it is full of LIES. You my dear friends, are looking at a cheater pants, and it's name is Michelle 'pockets full of chocolate chips and crackers' Muirhead. Oh the injustice in the world.
Dear M: I'm on to you child. And don't say I didn't warn you about the brutality of war.