fare thee well

Today is my last day of work at the good ole' salon de' la tan, of which I am no fan. All I have to say are these words:

Pause, tangent: Remember when Michelle used to say, "Tee-ee, I have fwee seens to teow yew. One is...?" Ha ha! Just popped into my head. So funny. Anyway, back to me, as usual.

1. Goodbye to 8 hour shifts of non-stop physical exertion.
2. Goodbye dear horrible men (you know who you are) and horribly talented women (more frequently) who pee in the garbage cans on a daily basis. ** (please see appendix A)
3. Goodbye mopping the entire salon...with no mop. Use your imagination.
4. Goodbye people who don't know that a garbage can is where your garbage goes.
5. Goodbye 99.9 The Mix, and your track of 3 songs (Miley Cirus, Hey There Delilah, Teardrops from My Guitar) played on repeat 24 hours a day. I think it's time to head to Walmart for the next edition of today's top 10 hits.
6. Goodbye smell of burning flesh.
7. Goodbye co-workers who will never, ever, under any circumstance cover a shift for you. (excluding one and of course, my lovely bosses)
8. Goodbye 40 year-old daily customers who I thought were 79.
9. Goodbye phone that never stops ringing.
10. Goodbye 14 year old who wouldn't tan because you forgot your bunny sticker and didn't want to ruin your bunny. Goodbye to you same girl who threw a full blown tantrum in my lobby, in front of 5 other customers and made your mom go home and get it for you. I hope you have children exactly like you someday.
11. Goodbye people who come in 10 minutes after closing time and when I tell you that you can't tan for the full 20 minutes, start yelling obscenities such as $# and @% and F.U. and *beep* at me. Sincerely, I thank you.

In closing I'd just like to say Adieu, adieu, to yu and yu and yu. Soooo------lloooooonng!! (but it won't be long enough)
Adios, Au Revoir, Peace out homies.

** Appendix A: I am seriously considering beginning a potty training course. For adults. Please note I did not say white, circular waste receptacle training. People seem quite proficient in that area already. Considering the 6 pee-full garbages I have cleaned out this week, I think there's potential for big money in this business. Okay folks, let me lay it out for all'y'all. I know, it's hard to take those ten extra steps to the bathroom, and I know it's hard to sit on that shiny porcelain hole-y chair, but sometimes life is hard and you can be strong and conquer this. Push through the difficulty...you can do it! I know you can! To the man who diarrhead (yes, it's a word) behind the bed...you might need to shoot for a more advanced approach. Perhaps psychological conditioning? Depends? I know they'd leave a wicked tan line, but when the alternative is me killing you with my bare hands, it might be in your best interest. And last, but certainly not least, to the woman who peed in the garbage can in the bathroom, you know...the one right next to the toilet. I know it's nice to set goals and it feels great to accomplish things you never thought possible, but next time maybe you could just enter the county fair's hot dog eating contest or something. Just a suggestion...