enemies list

Sometimes when I'm having an especially glorious day I just feel like listing things I like. Counting my blessings, so to speak. Today is a bog-of-eternal-stench day and my attitude is less than glorious. It's allowed, so bite me (unless your name is Shirley Kidman because your response to that statement is just shy of publicly acceptable and left a mark on my arm for 6 hours). I believe The Pretenders once poetically and prophetically sang, "If you're mad, get mad!" And I say to that, "Okee-dokee. Sounds like a plan." So here we go...

(Pause: You may want to choose a somber song for this read. Might I suggest something along the lines of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" or the theme to Titanic.)

My Enemies (not to be confused with Enemas):

1. Enemas
2. Ants (real ones and the movie)
3. Pepto Bismol - You might as well eat Life Savers. They taste better and will probably cure your heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea more effectively and without causing a lame song and dance routine to waltz through your head. Reading this blog has the opposite effect...for both the recollection of said song, and your gassy innards.
4. The sound of fingernails being filed
5. Cancer
6. Science (class)
7. Boy bands
8. Long fingernails (on me)
9. Long toenails (on anyone)
10. Whole milk- which sometimes cleverly goes by an alias...Vitamin D. Don't be fooled. The D stands for Disgusting.
11. Being cold
12. When someone starts a text conversation in the middle of the one you are attempting to have in real life. One word: URLAME.
12. Purple
13. Decisions (Anything ranging from "Do I want a small spoon or medium sized spoon with which to eat my Cocoa Puffs this morning?" to "What should I do with the rest of my life?")
14. "Because I Have Been Given Much"...I have an explanation, but not one that will satisfy you.
15. When people let grotesque verbage such as "LOL" and "OMG" actually escape their real life mouths and vocal chords.
16. Cat food commercials
17. Velvet (this applies to any and all surfaces including, but not limited to: furniture, windows, and humans.)
18. Treadmills
19. Slow or broken computers (namely PCs)
20. Bad perfume
21. Anyone who is getting annoyed with my overuse of lists lately
22. The time I discovered a song entitled, "Be Less Rude" and didn't like it, because need we kid ourselves? That's the raddest and baddest song title in all of history. Thank you to the Frightened Rabbits for wasting a good name on your craptastic singing. That was rude of you. Also,

BAD singing + good song NAME - 'singing good song' = Frightened Rabbits.

Get a pen and paper...don't forget to show your work.
23. I'm sorry, was that rude?
24. Crunchy peanut butter
25. I-15 construction
26. Redundancy
27. Redundancy
28. Sad attempts at cleverness
29. Bad writing for which people are being paid. (I'm not getting paid, so just suck that comment right back through your lips.)
30. PMS (no Jared, not the tea.)

THE END